A Shameful Past...

There aren't many things in my past that I regret or that I am ashamed of, but they do exist. Recently, I have been really struggling with trying to let them go. I know that I'm forgiven for my mistakes by the grace of God, so the guilty aspect is not there. It's the shame that follows that causes so much suffering and contempt for myself.

Last night, however, as I prayed The Way of the Cross, I was struck with how many reflections were based on our shame of sin. All of the meditations work well together, but for the sake of wasting space and time, I'll only write the small excerpts.

There is no evil so great that it could frighten God's goodness away. There is no shame so great that God's mercy could not shine forth from its very midst.

The very first manifestation of sin in the world was Adam and Eve's realization that they were naked. Out of shame they covered and hid themselves. This shame separated our first parents from one another and from God. Now Jesus finds himself naked as the armor-clad soldiers strip him of his garments to shame him. He who is without sin endures its shameful results, and leaves no shame untouched in his march for salvation. Like a parent who does not draw back from a sick child even in the worst throes of illness, Jesus is not afraid to go to the very core of our worst shame. He is not squeamish; our sins and secrets do not scare him. The serpent causes shame and hiding; Jesus invites us to mercy and communion.

So often we are afraid that reestablishing a relationship with someone we have wronged is hypocritical; but Christians call this reconciliation. How many friendships have ended because one who has betrayed will not forgive himself and so will not allow the other to forgive him? This is the story of Judas. Let us rather follow Peter. He is absent from the way of the cross, but he leads the Church in the way of repentance. Peter's life and preaching feed us by witnessing to Christ's infinite mercy.

Our Lord is so merciful. I am trying to open myself up to Him, to let Him love me that I may be saved from the torment of what I've done. I try to put great effort into allowing myself to be vulnerable in front of my future sisters as well, but it comes easier only as I make myself vulnerable to Christ and let Him forgive me and guide me every day. I am learning this through spending time with Jesus in the chapel and at Mass, and praying the covenant of Regina Angelorum, especially where it says:

"We realize that the fight against Satan's powers cannot be taken alone. This is why God, in His goodness and love, has given us the gift of our sisters to witness to each other and challenge one another to love as Christ loves. We have taken Mary as our model of womanhood through her life of humility and purity...We call upon her name as Queen of the Angels to assist us in our submission to Christ...As a household, our goal is to support and encourage each other to grow more like Mary in our surrender to Christ...Through faith, we trust in Mary and the Angels to help us fight the good fight of faith."

You would think that knowing Jesus loves you would be enough to get over things you've done, accept his love and mercy, and move on...Unfortunately, at least for me, it's not about knowing that He loves me, but rather seeing the shame of what I've done and not understanding how this could possibly be true, despite the fact that it is.